Don't make me keep my bra on...

Let me tell ya, the first thing I do when I get home is pop that bra strap and free the hostages. I get out of my work clothes and basically put my pajamas on. All my close friends and family know that they are welcome to drop by anytime but don't expect me to be dressed. I only stay dressed if I'm expecting company.

That's why I've been particularly irked these past couple of days.

I need to have a telephone jack rewired and have had Bell Canada scheduled to come out and do the job three times this week. The first day I got stood up they told me that they had scheduled me for the next day. The second time they said they needed a senior technician to do the work and they didn't have one available. The third time the excuse was that the technician ran out of time and couldn't come until the next day.

These scheduling snafus, while irritating are not as irksome as having to wait around all evening wearing my damned bra until 9pm.

$300 houses

When I can't sleep at night I watch infomercials.

I think I've seen just about every ab-busting, steam-cleaning, crows feet-erasing, pimple-blasting, infra-red-roasting, hair-straightening, ice-crushing, scrap book-decorating, jewel-dazzling, trans-fat-eliminating, hepa-filtering, cellulite-melting, drop-shipping, internet-marketing, stock-trading and real estate-buying gizmo, lotion, potion, plan or scheme imaginable.

In those wee, small hours of the morning when I'm tossing from side to side, too tired to get up but too awake to really sleep, it somehow helps to know that somewhere out there somebody else is up, just like me, but with a credit card in hand. That's kinda perverse isn't it?

There's something about listening to all those testimonials from people just like me, who've gone down 4 dress sizes, tamed their nappy heads, took 10 years off their face and made $5,000 in one day that just makes me want to believe that indeed, all things are possible. Nothing gives my REM-cycle deprived brain more pleasure than hearing their affable claims of wealth, health and happiness.

At 2am this morning, after watching the 2 previous infomercials (one on the Shark floor steamer and the other on the Cricut - which I think is really cool in a Bedazzled, let's enter my two-year old in the Little Miss Sunshine pageant kind of way and something I'd be tempted to buy if I had small kids at home), I watched one about a real estate plan to buy houses for as little as $300.



This infomercial claims that you can buy houses in the US and Canada and own them free and clear simply by paying the back taxes on a defaulted property. Of course most people don't know about this little trick but you can learn how to make your fortune by purchasing the kit that will show you how.

During the program they showed photos of all types of houses and land that people had bought for mere hundreds of dollars then turned around and made a great profit when sold for their market value. As I watched the photos of the houses all I kept thinking was, "What happened to the people who used to live there?" If, as was claimed in the infomercial, there are millions of defaulted homes up for grabs, what happened to the people who once owned them? Did the Rapture happen when I wasn't looking?


Not only did the whole thing gave me a creepy House of Sand and Fog vibe but it reminded me of shysters selling Mississippi bottom land. Fortunately for Canadians, these tax sale property schemes aren't as easy as that infomercial would lead you to believe.

Yes, the bank and finance companies do foreclose and put properties under power of sale. People do loose their homes but the whole thing is a process that takes time and the owner has right up to the closing date to pay off the mortgage. Furthermore, lest they be sued, the bank must make every effort to sell the house for its true market value. Even in the cases where a property is being sold for back taxes, that amount is the actual amount of taxes due and not "pennies on the value of the property".

This morning I wondered how many cash-strapped, looking-for-a-better-way people dialed that 800 number to charge the $39.99 to their nearly-maxed credit cards. This morning my REM-cycle deprived brain got angry. Angry thinking about all those insomniacs who got duped. Angry about all those people who lost their homes to the greed of sub-prime mortgage speculators. And damn it, I couldn't fall back to sleep!

Internet Service Rant

Well, I'm back. After a week without internet here at the Lakeside Lair I'm back. What an odyssey these last few months have been.

My, so-called, high-speed provider, Xplornet, declared me "unserviceable". Just over 2 years ago they installed a 900MHz transceiver on my roof (to the tune of $400) so that I may have a 1.5Mbps connection to the internet. I should mention that because I live in a rural area we don't have DSL or cable internet so apart from dial-up, at the time, this was my only option.

For the entire duration of my contract I have had connectivity problems. I would connect then the connection would go down, connect, go down, connect, go down. On a good day this would happen every 5 to 15 minutes. Lately it's been cycling like this every 45 to 60 seconds. When I was able to maintain a connection, the speed was fine but I would go days without even being able to connect.

Repeated calls to their tech support were futile and finally about a year ago the tech person told me that they don't guarantee speeds or connectivity and basically said, "piss off". So this May I had enough. My contract with them had expired so I called to ask them what the procedure was for canceling my service.

Well don't you know that within 24 hours I get a call from one of their support supervisors asking me why I would ever want to leave them. To say I gave her an earful would be an understatement. She sent an installer out to take a "reading" to see about my signal strength. When I talked to her I asked that she send someone to replace the modem on my roof. I believed it was defective and probably had been the entire time. When they did the initial install 2 years ago it took them 6 weeks to get it working and I had to tell them to either get it to work or come and get their equipment off my house.

So the installer guy comes out and guess what? Every thing's working fine. I asked him if he was going to replace the modem and he told me he was on orders not to do that but to simply check my signal and if necessary, hone my signal in to a narrow portion of the 900MHz band. He set me to 924Mhz. He left and the next day I had the same problems. I've been calling this tech supervisor almost every week since then and last week finally said, "Look, yes or no. Can you get me a reliable, stable connection. Yes or no. That's all I need to know." She said absolutely yes, they could get me a good connection. So waited all week for a call from their installer. I was still able to use the internet off and on. Last Sunday night I was able to get on for about an hour. Monday morning I thought I'd go online and pay a couple of bills and guess what? Yep, no internet.

In exasperation I tell Lise (my little sergeant - oh how I love a woman in uniform - oops, I digress) to call this supervisor. The supervisor says due to interference in the area, Xplornet has deemed us unserviceable and will not send a technician to service their equipment. (see, we paid for the equipment but we don't own it - I generally like to be kissed first before being screwed) She goes on to tell Lise that since they can not provide us with wireless service we now qualify for an upgrade to their satellite service and as a courtesy, they will waive the initial system access fee of $49. Our cost? Oh, only a mere $299 to purchase the equipment, $100 license fee and she'd put us on a monthly plan that starts (without a 3 year contract) of only $59.99.

What she didn't tell Lise was that the installation fee was another $299 and the "inexpensive" monthly fee she quoted was for the package that allowed speeds of up to 512kbps (a third of what we had been paying $48.77 for with wireless) and that our download threshold was 200MB per day. Can we say, HELL NO!

So, knowing that Xplornet was the only wireless provider in my area I began to research satellite internet. I found that HugesNet does supply satellite internet to Canada and does so through three Canadian resellers the third of which is Xplornet. I called the other two companies and their hook up fees were so expensive and their monthly usage packages weren't much better than Xplornet's.

In the meantime I hooked up our old dial-up account. What's interesting is that after I had it set up, Lise said that because of the cutting in and out that we had with Xplornet, the dial-up was just as fast and even better because at least she knew that she wouldn't loose the connection.

What's so galling about all of this is that Bell Canada has a service/maintenance building right at the top of our lane. I simply don't understand why they don't bring DSL to this area. There are hundreds of homes here who would readily sign up. Urrgh!

Judgment at Nuremberg

This morning I caught the last 45 minutes or so of the court room drama Judgment at Nuremberg. At the Teach With Movies web site it gives the following description of the film:

This movie is a fictionalized account of the war crimes trial of judges and prosecutors who served the Nazis.

"Judgment at Nuremberg" depicts a watershed event: the first trials, based on principles of justice and international law, of the leaders of a country that waged aggressive war and committed crimes against humanity. The film is a gripping, searching and provocative look at the moral issues surrounding both the actions of the accused and the process of bringing them to justice. The film also explores the issue of whether ordinary Germans bore responsibility for the Holocaust.

I have seen this movie many times before, however, while watching the movie this morning, I was struck with how relevant the film's themes are today as we contend with our "War on Terror" and are living with the abomination of such things as America's Patriot Act, detainees at Guantanamo Bay, horrors at Abu Ghraib Prison and Canada's compliance with "no-fly" lists.

Burt Lancaster plays the character Ernst Janning a German judge who is on trial for condemning innocent people during the Nazi regime. Janning is pretty stoic throughout the proceedings but as he watches the court room events unfold, he is compelled to give an explanation for his actions. In one of the most stirring moments on the film, Janning rises in court to give his statement:

"There was a fever over the land. A fever of disgrace, of indignity, of hunger. We had a democracy, yes, but it was torn by elements within. Above all, there was fear. Fear of today, fear of tomorrow, fear of our neighbors, and fear of ourselves. Only when you understand that - can you understand what Hitler meant to us. Because he said to us: 'Lift your heads! Be proud to be German! There are devils among us. Communists, Liberals, Jews, Gypsies! Once these devils will be destroyed, your misery will be destroyed.'

It was the old, old story of the sacrificial lamb. What about those of us who knew better? We who knew the words were lies and worse than lies? Why did we sit silent? Why did we take part? Because we loved our country! What difference does it make if a few political extremists lose their rights? What difference does it make if a few racial minorities lose their rights? It is only a passing phase. It is only a stage we are going through. It will be discarded sooner or later. Hitler himself will be discarded... sooner or later.

The country is in danger. We will march out of the shadows. We will go forward. Forward is the great password. And history tells how well we succeeded, your honor. We succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. The very elements of hate and power about Hitler that mesmerized Germany, mesmerized the world! We found ourselves with sudden powerful allies.

Things that had been denied to us as a democracy were open to us now. The world said 'go ahead, take it, take it! Take Sudetenland, take the Rhineland - re militarize it - take all of Austria, take it! And then one day we looked around and found that we were in an even more terrible danger. The ritual began in this courtroom swept over the land like a raging, roaring disease. What was going to be a passing phase had become the way of life.

Your honor, I was content to sit silent during this trial. I was content to tend my roses. I was even content to let counsel try to save my name, until I realized that in order to save it, he would have to raise the specter again. You have seen him do it - he has done it here in this courtroom. He has suggested that the Third Reich worked for the benefit of people. He has suggested that we sterilized men for the welfare of the country. He has suggested that perhaps the old Jew did sleep with the sixteen year old girl, after all. Once more it is being done for love of country. It is not easy to tell the truth; but if there is to be any salvation for Germany, we who know our guilt must admit it... whatever the pain and humiliation."

Here is Lancaster's brilliant performance:



Spencer Tracy played the head of the tribunal, Judge Dan Haywood. Throughout the movie as he interacts with the German people and in particular in his interactions with the widow of an executed German officer, played by Marlene Dietrich, you can see his struggle to understand the evidence of the atrocities presented in court in light of the warmth and nature of the Germans he meets. He can't seem to grasp how a people with such love of life and song could allow such things to happen and claim they didn't even know they were happening. I see Janning's statement as the point where this juxtaposition becomes clear to him and this chilling realization is reflected in his comments at the trial's verdict:

"Janning, to be sure, is a tragic figure. We believe he loathed the evil he did. But compassion for the present torture of his soul must not beget forgetfulness of the torture and death of millions by the government of which he was a part.

Janning's record and his fate illuminate the most shattering truth that has emerged from this trial. If he and the other defendants were all depraved perverts - if the leaders of the Third Reich were sadistic monsters and maniacs - these events would have no more moral significance than an earthquake or other natural catastrophes.

But this trial has shown that under the stress of a national crisis, men - even able and extraordinary men - can delude themselves into the commission of crimes and atrocities so vast and heinous as to stagger the imagination. No one who has sat through this trial can ever forget. The sterilization of men because of their political beliefs... The murder of children... How easily that can happen!

There are those in our country today, too, who speak of the "protection" of the country. Of "survival". The answer to that is: survival as what? A country isn't a rock. And it isn't an extension of one's self. It's what it stands for, when standing for something is the most difficult! Before the people of the world - let it now be noted in our decision here that this is what we stand for: justice, truth... and the value of a single human being!"

The verdict is indeed chilling and Tracy delivers it with the aplomb and skill of a seasoned actor:



But while the performances of all of the actors in this film were stellar, it is the themes of the film from which we can draw meaning and which rung a bell for me today.

In a post-911 world we too live in a "Fear of today, fear of tomorrow, fear of our neighbors, and fear of ourselves." We too have leaders who would tell us, "There are devils among us. Once these devils will be destroyed, your misery will be destroyed."

In our fear to be thought of as less patriotic, in our fear of once again being targeted by those who hate us, many sit in silence and say, "What difference does it make if a few political extremists lose their rights? What difference does it make if a few racial minorities lose their rights? It is only a passing phase. It is only a stage we are going through. It will be discarded sooner or later."

But this way of thinking only perpetuates the very evil from which we seek to protect ourselves. In our paralytic fear we've allowed the very principles upon which our democracy was founded to become corrupted. I think these last few word's of Judge Haywood's verdict should be not only etched in our hearts and minds but retained to galvanize us to rededicate ourselves to the principles we have held so dear:

"A decision must be made in the life of every nation at the very moment that the grasp of the enemy is at its throat, then is seems that the only way to survive is to use the means of the enemy, to rest survival upon what is expedient, to look the other way, only the answer to that is: survival as what? A country isn't a rock. And it isn't an extension of one's self. It's what it stands for, when standing for something is the most difficult!"

Ewwww....

I can't think of anything more disgusting that this. The more I hear about these horror stories from China's manufacturing and food production sectors, the more I suspect any products we import from there. If anything, these stories have made me an even more avid label reader.

The Dog's in big doo doo

Somehow, the National Enquirer got hold of a tape of a telephone conversation Duane "Dog" Chapman had with his son. In that conversation The Bounty Hunter apparently used the "N" word several times. Now A&E has put a hold on further production of his television show.

Ok, I'm not saying that it's ok to use derogatory language and yes, Mr Chapman should be contrite and be made to understand how such language is hurtful to others. What bothers me is not so much that he uttered the offensive word but that this was supposed to be a private conversation between him and his son.

Mid-life

Well, today is my birthday. How do I feel? Well, the chorus of this song written by Merle Travis, sung by Tennessee Ernie Ford and released by Capitol Records on this date in 1956, says it all.

Childrens do learn...

U.S. "Education President" George Bush, in looking for continuance of his No Child Left Behind legislation ensured the American people that "Childrens do learn."

I'm so happy to hear that but perhaps it was little Georgie Bush who got left behind?

Why is is that every time I see that man on TV I'm reminded of the dead character in the movie Weekend at Bernie's?

Religious school funding

I admit, I attended Catholic schools right up until high school. When we lived in New York, my mom paid tuition but when we moved to Ontario mom had the choice of sending us to the public school or the Catholic school as both were funded by tax dollars.

This funding of Catholic schools and creation of a separate school system dates back to the 1800s yet Ontario is the only province in Canada which still funds Catholic schools. In November 1999, the United Nations Human Rights Committee found Canada in violation of the equality provisions of that Covenant by virtue of Ontario's discriminatory school system. So in this upcoming election the Tories say they will fund "faith-based" schools.

See, I've got a problem with that. I don't believe the education I got was any better than my playmates who attended public school. Apart from the catechism classes, we all learned our alphabet, how to count to 10, tie our shoes and break the graham crackers on the line. I don't believe we need more than one publicly funded school system.

Of course I think that parents should be able to choose what type of education their children will receive so if they want their kids to get "religious instruction" with their ABC's, then send them to a private school - not one publicly funded. I'm for giving parents who wish to send their kids to a "faith-based" school some sort of tax credit to help off-set the additional cost.

What's sort of hypocritical about the Catholic schools these days is that you don't necessarily have to be Catholic to attend one. If the numbers of Catholic children enrolled in these separate schools declines to a point where keeping the school open is in question, they will allow non-Catholics to attend in order to boost their enrollment numbers up to the level to qualify for government funding. I have friends who teach in the separate school system and tell me that in some schools the non-Catholics outnumber the Catholics. So tell me, what's the point in having and paying for two different school boards? In my mind religion has no place within a publicly funded education system.

What was the big deal?

Sure, our numbers may be growing but out of a population of 33 million there are only a little more that 7,000 married same-sex couples in Canada. So what's the big deal? Did the sky fall or something?

According to Statistics Canada's latest census results, gays and lesbians are marrying more than straight people are. The number of common law, single parent and same-sex couples are surpassing the "traditional family" here in Canada. Stats Canada says that more straight folks are choosing to "shack up" rather than get married. Hmm, makes you wonder who holds the moral ground here eh?

Post Op...

Gee, did somebody get the number of the bus that hit me? I feel pretty lousy today so I plan to stay in bed, take pain meds and veg out with the TV. Tomorrow I start physiotherapy and I'm so glad that I didn't arrange it for today and had the presence of mind to give myself one day to just recover.

The operation went well and for the most part uneventful except for that when I was in recovery I had a few irregular heartbeats and started having chest pain. So they didn't release me when we anticipated they would but kept me longer to run some tests.

Lise was very concerned when things were taking longer than expected. She kept asking how I was and no one would tell her until she finally had to put her foot down and say, "That is my WIFE in there and I deserve to know how she is!"

Meanwhile I was stopping the nurses begging them to send someone to tell my WIFE how I was doing. After the third time, one nurse asked me if my wife's name was Lise and when I said yes she said that she would go personally to speak with her - and did so immediately.

Later Lise and I couldn't help but think that if Lise was a guy they would have assumed that s/he was my boyfriend/husband and we wouldn't have had to be so insistent. Shucks, and people wonder why same-sex marriage is so important.

The joys of home maintenance

This is the second house I have owned and I've come to the conclusion that maintaining a house is like threading beads on a string that has no knot tied on the end. I guess I could say that about kitchens too because just when you get all the dishes done, the counters wiped and everything put away, it's time to fix another meal. (sigh)

I remember my first night in my very first apartment. I went to the bathroom and there was no toilet paper. That's when it hit me, toilet paper doesn't magically appear from an endless roll. Somebody has to go out and buy it then put it on the holder. As a kid living at home these are the sort of things you take for granted - there will always be toilet paper, toothpaste and something edible in the fridge.

When I bought my first house, in the excitement of it all, I don't think it ever really reached the conscious part of my brain that I'd have to do stuff to keep it going. Yeah, I knew I'd have to dust but it never really dawned on me that owning a house means you have to do things like cleaning out the eaves troughs.

Miss Preen, my high school home economics teacher (gee, do they even teach home ec anymore?), was, I believe, negligent in not telling us that there was more to successfully running a home than knowing how to make a pot roast and sew a button on a blouse.

Maybe I shouldn't totally blame Miss Preen. After all in those days we were expected to marry some brawny guy who would take care of all the things that required the use of anything other than a 3 speed mixer. Well for some of us life didn't turn out that way and over the years I've had to teach myself how to do simple (and some not so simple) household repairs.

Last night's project was repairing a part of my kitchen floor. When we moved into the Lakeside Lair Desi, one of my chihuahua-rat terrier dogs, found a seam in the vinyl flooring and started to dig. I came home from work one day to find a large section of the vinyl had been ripped and chewed away. I was thrilled. The floor was icky enough when we bought the place but at least it was in one piece.

I cut that mangled section back and would hide it with a rug when company came but in the last few months the vinyl was starting to curl and it was looking worse and worse as time wore on. So yesterday on my way home from work I stopped in at Home Depot and picked up a few peel and stick tiles.

After supper I gathered my tools (yes sports fans, I do have tools), plopped myself down on the floor and went to work cutting away and squaring off the old vinyl. Then scraping off the paper backing and brittle glue, sweeping things clean and putting the new tiles down. These new tiles look nothing like the old floor but they were the closest in colour and at least now, it looks clean and shiny.

I plan to replace the entire floor next year with a new floating vinyl floor (another DIY project) but I'll have to wait until I pay off the new roof I'm having installed in two weeks.

Tonight's projects are two plumbing projects.

Project #1: The shower stall has had an annoying drip. Over the last week or so it's gotten worse. I figured it might be a washer or something loose in there so this morning, after Lise and I had our showers I took the shower faucet apart and brought the stem and little ball into Home Depot to look for a repair kit. I've got a little zip-loc bag in my car with tiny springs and little black rubber washers in it. Tonight I get to play with my set of allen keys and my big monkey wrench.

Project #2: Last night after watching the finale of America's Got Talent I padded to the kitchen for a snack. While trying to decide if I wanted a peach or a couple of crackers with liverwurst and mustard, I thought I heard water running and that's never a good thing. I kinda stood there for a moment trying to figure out where the sound was coming from when I realized that it sounded like it was coming from the other bathroom.

When I walked into the bathroom the floor was wet and the toilet was running (so I caught it - ba, da bum! lol). I lifted the lid of the tank and water was squirting everywhere! I shut off the water supply, got the mop and took a look at the innards.

That toilet doesn't have a ball float but one of those stack-type float contraptions. At the top of that stack is where the water flows into the tank. On my toilet, this is busted. So project number two tonight is to replace my toilet's innards. I've got that kit in the car too so between these projects I've got plenty to keep me off the streets and out of pool halls.

Anyway, when you own a house there is always something that needs getting done or fixed. At first the realization can be quite shocking but in time, like any adjustment, you get used to it. Look at me, I actually like going into hardware stores and get a kick out of watching the clerk's face as I try to describe the thing-a-ma-jig that attaches to the what-cha-call-it that I need to fix the doo-hicky.

Shopping for jeans

I hate shopping for jeans. After shopping for shoes, shopping for jeans will get me depressed every time. I've got a small waist and a bit of a booty so that makes it really hard to find jeans that fit well. When I find something that fits well around my hips and bum, it puckers out at the back of my waist so much that I end up showing off my knickers. The other thing is that I'm only 5ft 4.5 inches tall. Petite sizes are just a tad too small/short while regular sized clothes are often just a bit too big. What I don't understand is why the larger you go in size the longer the pant leg gets. What's that all about? Women get fatter, not taller. Yeah, I could take jeans to a seamstress but I think the jean manufacturers should just make jeans that fit real women.

After dropping waistlines and finally finding something halfway flattering in the Gap's Long and Lean jean, they tell me that the high waist is coming back. I just got rid of my high waist jeans because I thought they made me look too matronly. Sure, I may be a grandma but I'm not ready for support hose and a cotton duster.

I'll stick to Timmy's...

Many Canadians can't start their day without their Tim Horton's coffee. Travel to just about any town in Canada and you'll find locals chewing the fat and sipping on a double-double or line-ups at the drive-through.

To be honest, Tim's doesn't have the best coffee I ever had but a large coffee only costs $1.39 and since, when the birds fly over my house they say, "cheap, cheap, cheap", I refuse to spend more than two bucks on a cup of java. Hmm, I may be the only person in North America who has never had Starbucks. Lise likes one of their fancy caramel concoctions but at almost 6 bucks I'd rather not.

So being the cheapskate that I am, I just about lost my mind when I heard about cat poo coffee.